How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard— Winnie the Pooh.
We had to say goodbye on Monday. I dreaded the arrival of this day and nothing could have prepared me for the emotions I would feel in the weeks leading up to the final hug. It was the last time I would feel his touch. The last photo I would take of him with our children. The last moments we would have together until the end of next summer.
I never envisioned myself as a military spouse. This is my first deployment and his third. He is a seasoned soldier and he expressed his concerns and provided several warnings when we began dating. But I chose to love him anyway and I will continue to choose him always. I made a promise to love him through it all, but it still hurts. I still feel sad, angry, lonely, and hopeless. I know that I should embrace my new role, but I only feel resentment and dispair.
I will allow myself to move a little slower the first few weeks, but I know I have to gather the strength and courage to continue to move forward and establish a “new normal” without my husband and without my children’s father. The man I have come to rely on for daily support, strong hands, and a gentle touch is gone. Trying to hold back the tears has been impossible and I advise other moms to let the tears flow and let your children in. They hurt too and revealing real, raw emotions reminds them that it is okay to feel their own. Feelings are normal and we are simply showing them one, healthy way of responding to those feelings. Often times as parents, we forget the importance of validation and empathy when our children are sad or frustrated and simply do not know how to react to their emotions. Remember, it is reasonable to spend time crying. I know I certainly have as I carry my box of tissues around the house with me.
Be kind to yourself! Yesterday, I was feeling so guilty about my anger toward my spouse. I was irritable and was thinking it might ease the pain if I started to push him away. I had not heard from him and when he finally called, I could not get off the phone fast enough. After learning that he arrived safely, I just wanted to be left alone. I truly am proud of this man and what he does for our family and country, but in that moment I was so frustrated with him and then my irritability turned to guilt and again I began to cry uncontrollably. As military wives, we must remind ourselves that even when we think our feelings are unreasonable, they are still valid. We need to have compassion for ourselves while having compassion for our husbands who are missing home and their sense of normalcy too.
This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.